Over time, this meditation process has made a dramatic impact on my levels on focus and I'm incredibly thankful for that. This meditation was not as special as the previous one but it did help stop my morning panic attack.
I woke up at 5:30 with a barrage of thoughts attacking my head at once. (ACT class at 5, Extended Essay research question/meeting after school, study for bio exam, make up math quiz during 5th hour, pre-gridding on Tuesday, bio exam on Tuesday, Interactive Oral Presentation in english on Wednesday or Thursday). So many of thoughts just attacked my head all at once and forced me awake. It was absolutely unpleasant. I could feel my anxiety rising and could feel myself becoming depressed at these thoughts. However, I cannot let those stop me from having a good day today. It was 5:54 and I don't normally get up to do things until 6:15 so I decided to meditate. I put the alarm on my phone to 6:15, lied back down in my bed in a supine position and closed my eyes.
I let my thoughts run wild for a moment just so I can properly survey the situation. I've never actually woken up to do meditation because I normally just try to enjoy as much sleep as I can so the thoughts that I have to plan out throughout my day don't interfere with my sleep cycle. I could feel pressure on the middle of my forehead, having that there tells me that I am focusing on what is in front of me right now. I organized all of my thoughts to specific days in my head while I meditate and concentrated on my breathing. After while I could feel my thoughts and my anxiety starting to calm down and I could clearly focus. Today for my Extended Essay meeting, my ACT class, my make up math quiz and studying intensely for my bio exam. Tuesday I can tackle the pre-gridding and I will stay after school to work on my Interactive Oral with my group members to come up with an outline for the presentation. And for Wednesday, focus on the Oral Presentation and make sure that my group and I are throughly prepared for this.
I released myself from meditation around 6:14 and opened up my computer to type in my blog, putting all the negative energy where it needs to be. Just typing this out right now is actually easing my stress a lot because I am now planning everything out rationally and logically and taking all of my worried energy and turning it into positive energy that I need to get through my day. Before I started this meditation project I would always wake up at 3 in the morning and start panicking about either a test coming up or just something I think is in my head to scare me when it's actually nothing. I was also just thinking about the video we saw in psych class about how stress is a killer. I've started to truly understand why now because for a long time I've had a strong type A personality and it's affected my relationships with others and how I function throughout the day, causing me to have high stress levels and have this emaciated look on my face. With the meditation I've decreased most of that and continue to do so every day. So now the type A feelings I have are starting to become more relaxed so I can focus better in the long run. I'm happy now because my thoughts now don't seem as bad as I made them out to be about a half an hour ago. Meditation continues to amaze me.
One thing that helps me is to think about the phrase "loving kindness." It sounds corny in a way, but it also puts me in an interesting state of mind. When I address the world with loving kindness, I do not get as angry at people in traffic, I do not get as frustrated when my students act out, and I do not get angry with myself just because I have not done my best. Getting angry with myself when I already feel ashamed or guilty only exacerbates the problem. If I only chastise a student who is not performing well without also showing some loving kindness, I will not be helping him to see the value of seeking excellence. I will only succeed in further making him feel bad about himself, increasingly damaging his sense of self-efficacy. It is the same with me. If I only chastise myself without also allowing myself some loving kindness, then I am further ruining my chance to succeed. I can look at who I am and what I am doing with loving kindness without just quitting on all of my work.
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